Truth about Love and War

I’ve been pretty swamped at work and I’m feeling pretty sleep deprived, so my apologies if today’s post seems a little more disjointed then most.

I have a friend who’s going through a rough spell in her love life, and the whole thing just got me thinking about the very nature of love. Without diving into names, let me give you the jist of her situation.

She’s been serious with her boyfriend for a number of years and things haven’t been moving forward quite at the speed she had hoped. Particularly recently, she’s been thinking that they either need to move forward or break up entirely.

So after a heart to heart, what’s said boyfriend do? He went out, got himself a good paying job, laid out a solid 3-5 year plan, and is looking to finish up his degree. Everything should be great, right?

But here’s the rub… in the meantime she’s started having feelings for some other guy. Those feelings aren’t reciprocated, and nothing will probably come of it, but her stomach’s all in knots about it.

Anyway, long story short, she’s apparently tried getting advice from a goodly number of people, and one of her close friends told her she needed to break up with her boyfriend because it wasn’t fair to continue to date him when she’s starting to have feelings for someone else.

That’s the phrase that really struck me. It’s not fair. And that’s really what this little rant is all about:

When has love ever been fair? Yeah, I know… there’s that saying “All’s fair in love and war.” But I would say there are damn few things that are actually fair in either of those items.

Fair, but its very nature, is a balancing. A harmonizing of logic.

Love, by its very nature, (and one of the main reasons I love love) is completely illogical, utterly unpredictable, and defies anything close to fair at every turn.

Ever wanted to be with someone with every fiber of your being only to have them have “eh” feelings for you? Far too many people see this as “in love”. Personally I see this like an uncapped fire hydrant. Water’s going everywhere, but it’s not actually “in water”. It’s just bouncing water off the pavement and down the drain. What’s actually fair about that? Absolutely nothing.

I’m wildly in love with Jennifer. She’s wildly in love with me. One of the really wonderful things about our relationship is that I don’t feel like any of that love ever hits the pavement. We just soak up every drop. But do I ever foresee a time that she or I might be tempted? Sure. It’s possible. Hell, it might be shortsighted to say it’s not probable. But if love is real— if it’s not just a flash in the pan—then you stick with it. You cultivate it so that there’s never a time when temptation is anything more than a passing thought that quickly slips away. You drink love in so deeply that nothing else will ever do.

Only my friend can decide what’s best for her, but here’s my nugget of advice. If you’re really in love, you know it. You know it completely. It’s not fair and it’s not logical, so don’t try and qualify or quantify it in such black and white terms. Stop trying to be fair about abstract emotions and be true to yourself.