Dark Wires

So I’ve been in a really creative mood the last few days. However, I haven’t had a shoot in several weeks, so there’s not much to work on. I suppose I could go back in the files and find something that I had looked over in the past, but I hunger for something… new. That’s probably the best way I can describe it. Being really ravenous, and yet not quite figuring out what I have the taste for.

On the plus side, it’s been a while since I’ve done something creative where the parameters weren’t dictated to me, so hunger is good.

It’s good in other ways too. Jenn’s asked me “what’s gotten into you lately?” more than few times as of late. As much as she likes her “good man”(which is, btw, the best compliment she can give me) she equally appreciates my darker side.

It’s also helped me at the job quite a bit too as I’ve been able to come up with some “out of the box” solutions to problems. (God I hate clichés like that, but I don’t know how else to say it. “Creative” is also pretty overplayed considering where I work.)

And I’ve been enjoying music more than I normally do. I’ll freely admit to being rhythm challenged and being partially deaf doesn’t help much either. I’ve been digging back on Blue October and I don’t think there’s anything of theirs I don’t like. They’ve got a very eclectic blend of music that runs the board of stuff I really dig. For example, they’ve got a song that sounds very NIN called Drilled a Wire through My Cheek. Here’s a nugget:

I try to stay on top of you
To hold your body down
Your shaking seems to hinder
Every grap that I have found

Moving every inch around me
To defuse your private bomb
I stretch myself surrounding
And protecting you from harm

I use a wallet for your mouth
So when you bite you will not bleed
I drilled a wire through my cheek
And let it down and out my sleeve

And as your pulling out the best of me
Yeah which never ever comes
This wires all thats left of me
And its hooked within my gums
within my gums...

So drill it, so drill it
So hard
Feel it

Its proof to show that I bleed for this
And ive cut myself the shame
But to get to know this macicist
Who has stolen my first name

Pretending he's a teacher
Holding all my weight at ease
Yet the teacher seems to split in two
Destroying both his knees

Now crawling I position myself
Below your broken wing
I lift your featherd left arm
Where you hide your heart for me

I never noticed it was swolen
With the touch of brutal pain
I never knew a heart could live inside
The rust from all your rain
all your rain...

That’s only half the song and yes… the whole song is that dark, fucked up, and I love every line of it.

Anyway, I’ve got the day off tomorrow, so maybe I’ll have a new image soon. I’ve got to get a bunch of freelance stuff done and we’re going to hang out with Jenn’s family in KC this weekend,(which means a road trip in the Cruiser and the potential for road head since I finally have an automatic. Keep me in your prayers) but I’ll try to budget in some art time.

Truth about Love and War

I’ve been pretty swamped at work and I’m feeling pretty sleep deprived, so my apologies if today’s post seems a little more disjointed then most.

I have a friend who’s going through a rough spell in her love life, and the whole thing just got me thinking about the very nature of love. Without diving into names, let me give you the jist of her situation.

She’s been serious with her boyfriend for a number of years and things haven’t been moving forward quite at the speed she had hoped. Particularly recently, she’s been thinking that they either need to move forward or break up entirely.

So after a heart to heart, what’s said boyfriend do? He went out, got himself a good paying job, laid out a solid 3-5 year plan, and is looking to finish up his degree. Everything should be great, right?

But here’s the rub… in the meantime she’s started having feelings for some other guy. Those feelings aren’t reciprocated, and nothing will probably come of it, but her stomach’s all in knots about it.

Anyway, long story short, she’s apparently tried getting advice from a goodly number of people, and one of her close friends told her she needed to break up with her boyfriend because it wasn’t fair to continue to date him when she’s starting to have feelings for someone else.

That’s the phrase that really struck me. It’s not fair. And that’s really what this little rant is all about:

When has love ever been fair? Yeah, I know… there’s that saying “All’s fair in love and war.” But I would say there are damn few things that are actually fair in either of those items.

Fair, but its very nature, is a balancing. A harmonizing of logic.

Love, by its very nature, (and one of the main reasons I love love) is completely illogical, utterly unpredictable, and defies anything close to fair at every turn.

Ever wanted to be with someone with every fiber of your being only to have them have “eh” feelings for you? Far too many people see this as “in love”. Personally I see this like an uncapped fire hydrant. Water’s going everywhere, but it’s not actually “in water”. It’s just bouncing water off the pavement and down the drain. What’s actually fair about that? Absolutely nothing.

I’m wildly in love with Jennifer. She’s wildly in love with me. One of the really wonderful things about our relationship is that I don’t feel like any of that love ever hits the pavement. We just soak up every drop. But do I ever foresee a time that she or I might be tempted? Sure. It’s possible. Hell, it might be shortsighted to say it’s not probable. But if love is real— if it’s not just a flash in the pan—then you stick with it. You cultivate it so that there’s never a time when temptation is anything more than a passing thought that quickly slips away. You drink love in so deeply that nothing else will ever do.

Only my friend can decide what’s best for her, but here’s my nugget of advice. If you’re really in love, you know it. You know it completely. It’s not fair and it’s not logical, so don’t try and qualify or quantify it in such black and white terms. Stop trying to be fair about abstract emotions and be true to yourself.