Beautiful Dreams

I rarely talk to anyone about my dreams. Oftentimes I’ll have dark imagery that others would constitute as nightmares, but I see as vivid inspiration. In those circumstances it’s easier for me to show people my dreams than describe them. Other times, they simply aren’t noteworthy, or they will swing to the absurd and I’ll recognize the dream for what it is.

But there is an additional category. One that shakes me more deeply then any nightmare ever could. It’s the dream where everything’s exactly as I want it. The girl loves me deeply. I’m successful at art. My friends find me charming and my parents truly understand me. I’m at peace.

But there is always that one thing that’s just a bit too good, and I wake up. I wake up and I find that it’s all a fucking lie. The heart’s still broken. The art still listless. The friend sits idly by as others disparaged my name. It goes on and on.

Nothing is ever right.

Such was the pattern for about 32 years of my life. But then I met my exquisitely lovely Jennifer and my life turned a corner.

I knew our second week that she was the one, and I told her as much. I said, “You know what? I think you’re it. Now comes the fun part because now I get to convince you I’m it for you too.”

Within three months we moved in together. Within six we’d flown to Naples Florida where I surprised her with a proposal on a secluded beach. And within a year of our first date, we were married. I don’t know how I defined happiness before her, but it was a shell of what we have now.

My art has taken some amazing strides, I’ve had a couple of gallery showing, and I have a clear vision for what my next piece of art will be. The truest of my friends have nothing but the best wishes for me.

In short, for the first time that I can ever remember, everything seems pretty damn right.

While there are always the day to day toils to deal with,(see any number of post below) this time in my life seems so much better—so much more vivid— then any dream could hope to be.

Which brings me to that one thing... that if this were a dream, would truly push it over the edge to being “too good”.

Two weeks ago, I saw my baby’s heartbeat.

If I’m dreaming, leave me be. If this is just another time I’m blinded by hope, let me never see again.

Jenn had been told years ago that she might have difficulty having children, so we didn't have our hopes up. But now, just when everything seemed so perfect, life gets better.

I’m sure over the next six and a half months or so, I’m going to have plenty of times that I’ll joke about the good and the bad of living with a pregnant woman. I’ll fully admit to having a cocktail of emotions from fear to excitement, joy to panic, but without a doubt, I’m happier than I’ve ever been.