Guilt

Early Monday morning I stood at the hotel room door, wondering how I got to this point.

Walk away. I told myself. If you leave now, nobody will even know you were here.

As I began to heed my own advice, the door swung open wide.

“What are you doing?” She said, overly excited. She gave a scolding shake of her head as she smiled and motioned me in. “Were you just going to stand there all day? Do you know how long I’ve been waiting?” I went to answer, but I truly had no idea.

Even with her olive skinned body draped in a short silk robe and long raven hair, it was hard to get past how god awful annoying she was. Every word she uttered seemed hollow and phony.

“You know, I’ve got a little project for you…” She sung, teasingly.

For the love of God and all that’s holy… Just. Stop. Talking.

“Yeah, about that … Katie, I’ve gotta be honest. I’ve got no idea what I’m doing here. None of this seems right.”

“Why do you have to be so cynical? It’s not like I’m asking you to do anything bad.” She moved in close to me and bit my bottom lip. “In fact, if you relax a bit, you might just enjoy yourself.”

Still looking into her eyes, I heard the faint sound of silk falling to the floor.

I raised an eyebrow and gave a deep sigh. “There are three reasons this isn’t going to happen. First of all, you’re married.”

“But he doesn’t care. Really. Tom already knows everything…”

“Secondly, so am I.”

Fuck. How did I not remember that till the words left my tongue? The beautiful wife. The baby on the way. Being bloody happy for a change. Those aren’t things you’re supposed to ever forget.

“Oh yeah… and this? This is just a dream. And not a very good one. I’m sure there would be tons of guys that would be perfectly happy dreaming about a naked, seductive, Katie Holmes, but it’s really time for me to go.”

As I walked out the door into the hallway, I ran into a pair of Boy Scouts.

“Excuse me” I said, as I walked past them.

“Asshole” I heard one reply, under his breathe.

And then I woke up.

++++++++++++++

My dreams suck.

I don’t know if it’s due to the guilt-ridden childhood or some other bizarre neurosis, but I’ve never had sex in my dreams. Truth be told, I’ve never gotten past second-ish base. The last dream I had like this was a year or two ago, revolving around the seduction of a woman I was dating at the time, and ended with her getting struck with a meteorite the size of a bull elephant. So having a dream about a slutty Katie Holmes seems like it would be somewhat of a breakthrough.

However, I woke up with two things rolling around my noggin’.

First, why the hell was I dreaming about Katie fuckin’ Holmes? I really can’t stand her as an actress. I equally can’t stand anything I’ve read about her as a person. If I was going to write about the top 5 best looking actresses in Hollywood, she wouldn’t be able to sniff the list. Now if this was Kate Winslet, that would be an entirely different matter.

(Homer Simpson voice) Ummmmm... Kate Winslet…

But I digress.

The other thing that I was struck with was how guilty I felt over a stupid dream. Since I’ve been with Jennifer, I’ve done photo shoots with naked women and not felt even a little guilty. But something as stupid as a dream? I get a heaping pile of guilt and side order of shame.

I even admitted the whole thing to my lovely wife, thinking that would improve things. No dice. However, she did note “Why’d you dream about Katie Holmes? She sucks…”

“I know!” I said, mentally shaking my fist towards the heavens. “Don’t you think I know that?!”

“Calm down happy pants…”

“You’re not helping.”

*sigh*